My husband and I were married for 9 years before we had our first child. There are so many reasons for this but for me the biggest one was the fear that I would become my mother. My husband and I had conversations in which I made him promise me that he would put me away if I EVER made my children feel for one minute the way my mom made me feel for most of my childhood. Everyone that knew me and my story thought I was crazy for thinking that I could ever be like my mother but they were not standing in my shoes. Your mother is supposed to be your biggest fan, your confidant, your protector and there was a huge part of me that was damaged by a mother that was none of those things. In the months leading up to the birth of my first child I wavered between absolute delight and sheer terror. I wasn't scared of the sleepless nights.....I was terrified that I would suck as a mom.
Needless to say I was completely shocked by the sense of peace that came over me in the hours and days after meeting my firstborn. I finally realized what everyone has been telling me for so long, she was terribly sick. I never understood her but I finally understood just how sick she must be to have done the things she did to me and lived with herself. My anger turned to sadness for her when I realized just how miserable she must have been to have such anger and hate towards her firstborn.
My firstborn just turned three and my fears of not being a good mom are completely gone. I love my little one more than I can put into words. He has healed me in ways no one else could and he continually makes me smile and realize that even though we don't understand the path of our lives, there is a reason.
