FULL OF AWESOME

An AWESOME post....read it....

FULL OF AWESOME


You know what sucks, I mean really sucks...I have no recollection of that feeling...because the person that should have been reinforcing it...was well....beating it out of me.  I am not having a pity party here I am just thinking as a mom, how sad it is that she took something so innocent from me.  It makes me thankful for the blank slate I have been given with my own AWESOME babies.  It also makes me recognize the things that motivate me to get my AWESOME back.  There is this part, deep down inside of me that is constantly trying to get the world to see that I am awesome.  Maybe not normal-popular-gorgeous-perfect awesome but funny-loyal-honest-tenacious awesome...which counts for something right?  She may have taken that young innocent awesome but she cannot touch this current awesome...and the future awesome...which is bound to be even AWESOMER!!!!

Ignore

"I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in." Virginia Wolfe

I think that being ignored is the cruelest way to make a point......to flaunt control.....to wield power. Not acknowledging a person can create a hurt so deep - it's the harshest thing someone can do to another...especially if that person claims to care.  Many years of my childhood were spent either being ignored or being the focus of her anger.  I still haven't decided which was worse.  Hard as I tried to win with her, I NEVER did.

Since having my own children I have come to understand that she too must be locked in her own sort of hell.  Really, she must have been truly miserable to do the things she did to her own child and been able to function in her daily life.  Was she ignored as a child? Was she abused?  Did the person that was supposed to protect her hurt her in the worst possible way? 

The grass

I spent a number of years literally living outside.  I cannot recall what triggered this punishment but around my 9th year (I think) sleeping and mostly living outside became the rule rather than the exception.

At first this was a bit of a relief because the last few years I slept inside I was either handcuffed to the frame of my bed while sleeping on the floor, awoken by a glass of cold water thrown in my face or roused by being pulled off the bed by my feet resulting in an almost constant sore spot on the back of my head. 

We always lived in southern states, that's not to say I didn't feel like I was freezing sometimes.  When I was in therapy at one time my therapist had me draw out the houses I lived in and I could draw out the yards down to minuscule details but there are few things I remember about the actual houses.  In a way the yard was a much safer place for me.  Yes, it was dehumanizing.  Yes, it broke my heart every single time I was locked outside.  Yes, I longed for the days when she would let me sleep in the shed instead of on the porch.  Yes, I would rejoice when she would forget and leave one of the dogs out overnight. 

FEEL

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. -Maya Angelou

So so so very true.

There are days when I wonder, will I ever truly feel good about me.  The person that should have cared the most caused so much damage simply because she didn't care.

I am pretty darn positive most of the time but there are days when I just wonder.....WHY?